I have written a dozen blogs since March 29th, but didn’t post any of them.  I keep coming back over and over trying to capture how I am feeling, particularly about the death of a good friend, Pam Kegerris, but nothing I say seems to do justice to the profound since of gratitude I have for having known her, the magnitude of respect, admiration and love I have/had for her, or the depth of loss that I feel.

I am a pastor, I deal with death and the idea of death all the time, and I am really, really….REALLY terrible at it when it affects with me.

A week before Pam past away, two other close friends of mine, Beth Johnson and Sharen Ireland and I took Pam for a walk.  By this time she was so weak she could barely get in and out of the house, so I scooped  her up in my arms and carried her in and out of the car.  As I held her tiny frail body in my arms, I could feel how thin and weak she had become, but none of that hit me till later.  We were outside, where we both loved to be, going for a walk along the Fox River, Talking, laughing, all the things we had done so many times before.

A week later, she was gone.

I was there, when she slipped from this life to the richer, fuller life still to come for us.  I was there alone with Jeff and the girls.  What a privilege it is to walk with people in there most private and difficult moments.  Never take that for granted.  As I left I faltered…that isn’t new for me, I told you I don’t do this well.  I just kept thinking about her in my arms, just a week before.  I was committed in my prayers to her being healed.  I just wasn’t ready to say goodbye.  I guess in some ways I am still struggling with it.

Later that week I was walking and “praying” (crying and griping at God).  I swear I could feel her weight in my arms and then it was gone.  And then I heard Him, “I have her in my arms now…” And I was broken….

Father,

Please take good care of my friend, tell her I love her and I miss her.  Be with Jeff and the girls, they will need you more now than they did when they had her.

I don’t need to understand, maybe I don’t want to, but keep your word to use this to build your kingdom and perfect your people.

And please Lord, heal my broken heart.

Your broken child,

Jerry